I recently decided to run my first ultramarathon, which I’ve referred to as “only a 50K” because there are options much longer than that, to which I haven’t been lured yet, even on a careless whim. I blame this endeavor partly on the fact that I’ve spent too much time around some very good, accomplished ultrarunners so that somehow it doesn’t seem quite so impossible – just a little crazy since I still have a hard time calling myself a runner at all.

The truth is that I’ve spent the majority of my life pushing myself into ideas, activities and even professions that I felt were just beyond my comfort zone or were partly in the category of the absurd. In third grade, I entered a speech contest to challenge myself in public speaking. My mother insists this isn’t a stretch because I wasn’t a particularly shy kid, but I will tell you that all I really did was put on a good game face behind a flurry of nerves and anxiety. I continued to challenge myself in this way all the way through high school drama class and later even a few appearances as an adult in local plays. Every time I spoke in public, my neck would break out in a red, nervous rash such that I tried my best to always wear clothing to hide this reaction. I was always very nervous, but somehow managed to pull it off so often that today, public speaking is no longer a problem. (Unfortunately, some might even say that the problem is now sometimes that I just can’t be made to shut up!)

I accepted an ROTC scholarship in college, not because I was overly interested in becoming an Army officer, but simply because after my first year, I was having too much fun and didn’t want to go home. I knew the Army would challenge me in ways I hadn’t been tested before, so  I was drawn to the absurd idea of me in a uniform, showing up for physical training three times a week in the early hours of the morning,  usually after partying like a college student the night before.  It seemed drastic and a bit odd, considering I was really cherishing the freedom I’d gained from the military household where I grew up. ROTC was therefore somewhat familiar, but absurd and challenging all the same – so I was hooked. From there, I naturally became a helicopter pilot, again like my father was, although my decision truly had very little to do with him. It was simply one of the hardest jobs to get, so it was the one I had to have. Strangely, I’ve never been one of those kids fascinated with flying and to tell you the truth, I don’t miss it all that much since I stopped. However, it was yet another crazy mark on the wall I needed to make.

I’ve cruised through many years since then dabbling in all kinds of absurdity from rugby, boxing, beauty pageants, triathlons, 200 mile relay runs, and even a silly appearance on the American Gladiator show in 2008. I’ve parachuted, skydived, zip lined, sang in a choir, as well as skied and snowboarded (even though I despise the snow), all for the pure challenge of the act. I mustered the courage to move halfway across the country from my entire family, divorce a husband, buy my own home and get a tattoo. I’ve even run two  full marathons, although one hardly counts since I managed to consume nine beers from start to finish (don’t worry – I was slow enough to drink all of those and still finish feeling only slightly tipsy.)

So why the hell would I run an ultramarathon? As I said, although I’ve been running for over 25 years, I still don’t like to even call myself a runner. I have rarely gone for a run just because I love running. In fact, most days I can’t stand it at all. However, it is a challenge and a way to maintain assurance that not only am I fully in charge of my body and my fitness, but it pushes me out the door so that I am moving forward in the world both physically and figuratively. I refuse to spend my life on the sofa wondering what other hobby, activity or experience I might have enjoyed. My intent is to try as many as possible and constantly challenge to see parts of myself and the world that quite honestly make me a wee bit afraid. I am going to run that ultramarathon because I know I can, although I can’t do it without some preparation and determination. I am enjoying the challenge as I look at my training plan each week and work to incorporate it into my already busy schedule filled with full-time work and four children. I love feeling my body and mind get stronger, and I love the adrenaline rush that comes from achieving things that start in the category of the absurd and move to the realm of reality.

In short, why the hell would I run an ultramarathon? Because it’s absurd and I know I can. And more than anything, I hope my children take notice and as they grow up, instead of running away from their fears, I hope they charge at them with the same ferocity, determination and resolve.